Home
by Wilma69
Summary: Merlin is gathering all his strength to return to Camelot after Arthur's death.


TITLE: Home  
CATEGORY: Gen, (Canon)

CHARACTERS: Merlin, Gaius, Gwen, Leon, Percival, Arthur  
RATING: K+  
SEASON: Post 5.13 fic

SYNOPSIS: Merlin is gathering all his strength to return to Camelot after Arthur's death.

AN: I was really sad while writing this, but I had to do it. Sometimes we need to get things off our chest. I started this one a while ago, but never actually felt like finishing it, until now. Beware of extreme sadness, so I give you a handkerchief warning right now.

A huge thanks goes to Jo for her Beta read, help and honesty. You're amazing!

* * *

_Home_

Merlin had cried so much, with so much intensity and for so long that it was a miracle there were any tears left. The sun had been shining brightly, the forest and lake were quiet and peaceful once more, but he hadn't seen any of it. His grief had been so all consuming, that it had taken his breath away, the world became hazy, like he'd been living in a dream.

None of this should have happened. Merlin had had the chance to stop it, but he'd failed. Maybe not his true destiny, but he certainly had failed to protect his best friend. A friend that had travelled to a place where he could never follow, and the thought of not seeing Arthur again had been too much to bear.

_In Albion's time of need, Arthur would rise again_. Kilgharrah had been clear about that, but how long would Merlin have to wait? What was his purpose in this world now that the King was no more? He had served the man even up until his last breath, but there had been so much more that he had wanted to say. Would he ever get a chance to say it? Did Arthur already know, looking down on him like his father was?

Merlin let out a shaky sigh when the familiar castle of Camelot came in sight, just over the hill. This instantly brought him back to the first time he'd arrived at the citadel, not sure what the future held in store for him, but eager to find out.

_No man, no matter how great, can know his destiny_, and Kilgharrah had been right about that, he knew that now. Having the power of foresight didn't change this, as destiny unfolded in its own way, no matter how he had tried to prevent events from happening. No matter what he would have done, things would probably have turned out the way they had anyway. This knowledge didn't give him any peace of mind, it only made it harder to bear. Like he had done everything for nothing. Like his life had been one huge lie.

More grief was threatening to spill arriving on that hill again, and Merlin didn't care that tears were slowly making tracks on his face. This time he would not meet a young Arthur Pendragon, this time those royal chambers would not be filled with the man's laughter and jokes at Merlin's expense.

All of it was lost to the world around. And even though the future was open again, just like it had been so many years ago, Merlin couldn't shake the burden that had imbedded itself to firmly in his soul, that he felt like he'd been away from Camelot for many years, even though it hadn't been that long. Only two seasons had come and gone, and autumn had arrived.

All those months ago he had pushed the small boat with Arthur's body into the waters of the lake of Avalon. It had disappeared into the mists of the lake, and when finally his tears had stopped long enough for Merlin to think any coherent thought, his steps had lead him not to Camelot, but to the small town of Ealdor, his birthplace, to his mother.

The news of the battle at Camlann had already reached the small village, and when his mother had hugged him in relief, the smile on her face had quickly turned into concern. His mother had always been able to read him like a book, and she had instantly felt that things were terribly wrong.

She had asked him where Arthur was and he had not been able to tell her, his throat had closed up, but it had been enough for her to understand. She needed no words for that, it was all very clear, written all over his face.

They hadn't actually spoken that day, his mother offering comfort by simply being there. She clearly understood why he'd come to Ealdor and had given him some room to breathe, given him some chores to do in the weeks after he'd returned.

Merlin could have lost himself in those simple tasks. He had tried to ignore his thoughts, his feelings while gathering firewood, fixing the roof of the house and ploughing the fields. If it meant he didn't have to talk about what had happened, that was fine.

Gathering the strength to go back to Camelot had been a task all by itself. Feeling a terrible guilt and an emptiness inside had not helped him either. It felt like there was nothing important in the world anymore. Nothing to actually live for.

His mother hadn't asked him to tell his story, but she had called him to her side one day and had told him in a steady voice to return to Camelot. That he belonged there and was needed now that the King was dead. That the Queen, or even more important, his friend Gwen, needed him.

There had been so much conviction in that soft voice of hers, that there had been no way around it for Merlin. It had been time to face his fears, and so he set on his way and had arrived at the hill.

His feet feeling heavy, like someone was literally pulling them down, Merlin slowly made his way downhill, and when he reached the front gate and walked through, people in the square were gaping at him, surprise written all over their faces. He couldn't make himself look up at them, and quickly ran up the stairs leading into the castle, his goal the physician's chambers like so many years ago. Not that he would be able to reach Gaius' chambers without the news reaching Guinevere, he was certain. But that did give him some time to meet up with Gaius, hoping he would not give the man a heart attack walking in unannounced.

Merlin sighed as he raised his hand, about to push open the door to that place he'd called home. He wasn't so sure what to call it now, and he lowered his hand again in uncertainty and fear. He wasn't sure what Gaius' reaction would be, and he wasn't sure he could bear it. Any of it.

Merlin knew there was no choice. That he would have to deal with whatever came his way, like he'd always done. Although where there had been hope and curiosity that first time he'd arrived at these chambers, this time there was nothing left but emptiness.

He slowly pushed open the door, quietly making his way inside. Remembering he had done this many times, trying to hide things from Gaius, and knowing that it had never worked made him grimace, his gaze wary while he took in the familiar chamber.

Gaius was sitting at the table, his back towards the door and him. He was fixed on something in front of him, which looked like a giant ancient book, and he probably didn't hear Merlin come in or he would have turned around by now. There was a long silence where Merlin didn't want to intrude this peaceful scene, where he just wanted to observe and take in the chamber, and Gaius and everything that had always been so dear to him. Then he coughed and the moment was gone.

Gaius abruptly turned around, a haunted look in his eyes which made Merlin's stomach clench in a painful way. Gaius looked so old all of a sudden, so frail and worn. Then those fearful eyes turned into something so friendly and warm, it broke his heart all over again. It was the look he had dreaded, the one he definitely didn't deserve.

"Merlin."

"Gaius."

Merlin tried to swallow away the lump in his throat, but to no avail. He was unable to move, to walk towards his old mentor, to say something, anything. He just stood there on the spot, his eyes wet, his mouth dry and a slightly panicky feeling creeping up inside of him.

"Oh, my dear boy."

Gaius surprisingly quickly conquered the couple of steps between them, and before Merlin could do or say anything he was enveloped in a huge hug. A hug that radiated so much warmth and compassion that all he could do was return the favour. His arms encircled the old man's body, his chin landed on a shoulder, and all of his emotions came pouring out at once. He tried to stop them, tried to hold it in, but it didn't do him any good.

"I failed, Gaius. I... Arthur." It was no more than a whisper, as Merlin couldn't find a stronger voice, couldn't stops his tears from falling or his body from trembling. "I am so sorry."

"I am certain you did everything within your power to save him, Merlin." Gaius's voice was soft but clear near his right ear, the voice of someone who had pondered on what to say to him if he ever returned, for a long time, the man's strong arms holding him up it seemed, as Merlin's legs were shaking so badly that his knees buckled.

"So sorry," was all that Merlin could muster before pulling away, falling to his knees, his hands in front of his face when another wave of failure and grief washed over him. Gaius might be able to forgive him, but he could never forgive himself. Not ever.

"Merlin. Look at me, Merlin."

The voice was sharp enough to pierce through Merlin's misery, and he felt hands on his shoulders, steadying him. Trying to get his breathing under control he knew he had to catch Gaius' gaze, or he would never be able to look him in the eye again.

The eyes meeting his were full of sadness, but also full of love, and Merlin knew he owed Gaius an explanation. Although he wasn't sure he could muster it yet, his throat constricted, the pain still too raw and deep, even after all this time.

"I... I couldn't save him, Gaius, I..." He slumped down in defeat, his head down while he wanted to crawl into the floor to be gone forever. "It's no use... Nothing makes sense anymore."

"Listen to me, Merlin," Gaius began, and there was a touch of something stern that Merlin knew all too well. "Wouldn't Arthur want you to go on instead of wallowing in grief and pity? He is surely missed, but Guinevere is Queen now and needs all the help she can get. Arthur would have wanted you to protect and advise her, I am certain of that."

"You sound like mother."

"Hunith is a wise woman."

Merlin allowed Gaius to pull up his trembling body, while he already chastised himself for letting go of his emotions like this, and for feeling sorry for himself. Because Gaius and his mother were right, of course, this wasn't about him at all. And knowing Arthur the way he did, the King would probably yell at him from where he was, telling him he was a sentimental fool. That made him chuckle, earning him a surprised and worried gaze from Gaius.

"You've been to Ealdor."

It wasn't a question, but Merlin felt the need to say something about it. Felt the urge to at least explain why he'd been to Ealdor and what he'd learned from it. His mother always seemed to feel what was best for him, maybe it was what mothers did?

"Yes, and she made me see reason, I guess." Letting out a deep sigh he continued, "just like you always do. I almost forgot how well you know me, Gaius."

The man in front of him may look old, but he also radiated confidence and hope. Gaius had always been Merlin's rock, the one to steady him when things weren't working out, when he felt lost, when he felt miserable or misunderstood. Gaius may have claimed once that he loved him like a son, but Merlin hadn't really understood him. But those times were long gone. There was an understanding between them now that could not be broken.

For the first time Merlin felt a careful smile tug at his lips, and Gaius returned it, patting him on the shoulder. "Let's make a cup of tea, and you can tell me everything that happened."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet."

"Just tell me what you feel like telling."

The door was pushed open all of a sudden, and the face of an unfamiliar guard appeared. Merlin could see a mixture of awe and duty in his eyes, but he also noticed something that resembled fear, which had him step back instantly behind Gaius, a feeling of unease quickly making its way into his stomach.

What was this guard thinking, seeing him here after so many weeks? Did he know that Merlin had magic, did he want to know and more importantly, would he understand, or was he here to arrest him? The man gaping at him trying to hide his fear made the warlock gasp.

"The Queen wants to see you immediately." The guard didn't waste his time, didn't even say hello. His voice one of loyal duty for his Queen. It was distant and it felt cold. It chilled Merlin's heart while he stepped forward, leaving his safe place behind Gaius.

"Can't it wait?" Gaius didn't sound intimidated at all, but then again, he never did. "Can't you see he's just returned?"

"Sorry, Gaius. But the Queen really wants to speak to Merlin, right away."

"It's all right, Gaius." Merlin quickly sent his mentor a confident smile. It wasn't much that he could offer, but at least he could try and make him feel more at ease about this. Gaius was a stubborn man though, just like him. If he thought that Merlin wasn't ready, he wouldn't hesitate pointing this out clearly, even using his physician ranking if need be. "Really."

He held Gaius' gaze when he followed the loyal guard out the door while turmoil raced through his body and mind. Merlin wished he'd had the time to ask Gaius about what had happened in the citadel while he'd been absent. Had Gaius told them about his magic? Did all the guards and knights fear him because of this information?

He wanted to turn to the left at the end of the long corridor that lead to the giant council chambers, but the tall guard, who was walking a couple of paces in front of him, had something else in mind and turned to the right instead.

"Aren't we going to the council chambers?"

"No, the Queen wants to talk to you in private."

"How is she?"

There came no answer, the man didn't even show that he'd heard the question, it was like talking to a wall. Letting out a small sigh, Merlin decided to meekly bow his head while following, although he wasn't so sure that the Queen would actually be happy to see him. Why had she send a guard and not one of the knights?

It felt like forever until they reached the large wooden doors to Gwen's chambers. He had walked this path many times, but like his walk up to Gaius's chambers, this one was even harder. He felt so alone, so empty. Of course he had to confront her and his own feelings, but that didn't mean he wanted to.

A steady gaze fixed on the floor, he entered behind the guard, his insides squirming, making him slightly nauseated. This was only Gwen, his friend, but in the meantime this was terrifying.

"Thank you, you are dismissed." Her soft voice acknowledged the guard, although Merlin wasn't sure if the man had said something in the first place. He couldn't remember hearing anything. He should try and pay attention, it was what Gwen deserved after all. Slowly he peeled his eyes from the floor and holding his breath, he looked up at her.

"My lady."

The guard had barely closed the door behind him when Gwen ran to him, her eyes full of tears as she pulled him in and hugged him fiercely. "Oh, Merlin, I... We missed you so much, we thought you were dead as well, where have you been?"

"Home, my lady." He suddenly felt very uncomfortable again, and pulled away from her, stepping back a couple of paces and bowing his head in respect for her, his eyes cast to the floor. He couldn't help it, the floor seemed to be his only anchor at the moment. Steadying him. "To Ealdor."

"Never bow to me, Merlin. Ever." One hand landed firmly on his shoulder, and another was placed under his chin, startling him a little and he had no choice but to look at Gwen. "You are my friend. In fact, you are more than that. You're family."

"I could never be as strong as you are, Gwen." It came out as a murmur, barely a whisper, but she had heard it nonetheless, judging from her reaction.

"But you are."

When he smiled at her weakly, she beckoned him to the large polished wooden table and chairs. "Sit with me?" She didn't wait for his reaction as she took a seat at the table, her hands on the surface, held tightly together while Merlin could feel her initial happiness of seeing him turn into tension.

She had questions, many questions, he was certain. And she probably didn't know how to start. But neither did he, as he carefully pulled back a chair and took a seat. Maybe words weren't needed at this moment? He raised his hands and draped them over hers on the table, squeezing lightly.

That made her react all right, her eyes swimming with tears even though she tried to smile at him. "I can't believe he's gone. It's like he'll walk through that door every time I look up. Were you... Were you by his side when he died?"

Lying to her wouldn't do them any good. There had been enough lies, and Merlin was sick of them. He grabbed her hands a bit tighter and nodded. The memory of Arthur dying in his arms crushed into him again, and he swallowed deeply. His focus directed to their hands on the table, avoiding Gwen's questioning and sad eyes. Of course it was Gwen's right to know what happened, to feel comforted by not only his actions, but also his words. He should try and get a hold of himself for her sake, he was here for her, only for her.

"Did he suffer?"

"Gwen, I..."

"Please, Merlin, I need to know."

He could feel her steady gaze on his face, her eyes almost daring him to lie, as she would know, she would sense it now that his guard was down.

"I don't think so, no."

"You're not certain?"

"Arthur is... was, a brave man, he wouldn't have told me if he were in pain."

"But he died in peace?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"The Lake of Avalon. We thought, Gaius and I, that we could save him there so I brought him to the lake, but it was too late. I was too late, it was..." Realising all of sudden how much he'd said already, he shut his mouth, pulled back his hands and stared at her, feeling horrified.

"I know, Merlin," Gwen simply stated as if she could read his mind. "I know you have magic."

"I..."

"It's all right." She reached for his hands and pulled them back on to the table, her eyes never leaving his face, and there was something there, sad as it was, it almost looked like a fiery determination. She gripped his hands tightly, like she never wanted to let him go again. "You saved us all."

"But I didn't save Arthur." Merlin felt his insides burning, a fierce, almost angry burst of energy rushed to the surface while he stared at his friend, his Queen, a widow. "All the power, all the magic, and I couldn't save him. And don't tell me that I tried everything possible, that it's not my fault, I can't bear people saying that, I..."

He stumbled up from the chair, abruptly turning his back on her and rushing to one of the large windows overlooking the courtyard of the citadel. Letting out a slow breath of air, he thought about his mother and about Gaius. They were right. Arthur would want him to look after Guinevere, and he was not going to break down in front of her.

She knew he had magic, and the guard reacted as if he knew as well. Did they all know? He again wondered. Every last one of the people of Camelot? Gwen's eyes had been full of love and understanding just now, but the guard had been fearful, avoiding him. Coming back to Camelot never seemed so complicated. Things would never ever be the same again without Arthur, of course. But with his magic revealed, Merlin didn't even know where to start now that he had arrived at the place he should have called home.

He was vaguely aware of Gwen's presence as she approached him. Her small warm hand took Merlin's own while they stood there, and when her sobs reached his ears, he put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close. There were no words that could comfort her at this moment, but Merlin made sure that she would understand that he was here for her, finally.

* * *

Merlin and Gwen had talked well into the night. Merlin's initial fear and anxiety to face her again was all but gone, although bringing up the subject of magic hadn't been easy. Working through Arthur's death together seemed to have been the first logical step, but there was always the subject of magic floating between them and it had to be addressed sooner or later.

"How did you find out about my magic?" Merlin had finally heard himself ask that night, after the Queen's servants had brought them dinner. He hadn't even realised how hungry he'd been. "Did someone tell you?"

"No one had to tell me, Merlin," Gwen said, sympathy clearly radiating from her face while she popped a berry into her mouth. "I figured it out on my own during the battle of Camlann, and Gaius confirmed my suspicion. There has always been something about you, MerIin, I should have seen it before. I can't believe how blind I've been."

"I wish I could have told you earlier."

"I know why you didn't and I understand. I've had some very long talks with Gaius about all of what has happened, and one of the subjects has been about magic and you." Gwen took a sip from her wine, the goblet dangling dangerously from her fingers while she seemed to peer right through his soul. "He missed you terribly, you know."

"I'm sorry."

"You're here now."

Merlin gazed at her for a while in silence while they ate. That she knew about his magic and hadn't thrown him in the dungeons yet lifted a burden from his shoulders. Thinking back about Arthur's initial reaction made him swallow deeply while he tried to stay calm, not wanting to go back there, or think ahead for that matter. He thought about the knights, his friends, the King's council and their reactions, it filled his head with chaos.

Gwen lifted her brows and bit her lower lip, in a way she always did while considering something and being well aware of his feelings, no matter how hard he tried to hide them from her. "You saved Arthur many times before, haven't you." It wasn't really a question, more a statement.

"Yes."

"I should have known about you, Merlin. Going into battle without any armour. Bringing Arthur back each time, even when..." Gwen closed her eyes, tears running down her cheeks again.

Not exactly knowing what to say or do to provide comfort, he tried to find a way to distract her from the subject. Distract her and him from their mutual pain. "The guard who brought me here appeared fearful seeing me," he blurted out, sending her an apologetic glance.

Her eyes opened with a snap, her face one of sympathy but sadness. "We all lost some very good friends during the battle. The man lost a son I believe. He knows you saved us all though. Without you everyone in Camelot would have been lost. We'll have to talk to everyone, and to the knights first I think. They are having an extreme hard time dealing with Arthur and Gwaine's deaths."

Merlin's breath got caught in his throat.

"Gwaine is..."

"You didn't know?" Gwen let out a sound that resembled a choke. " I'm so sorry... I thought Gaius would have, you know, told you. I should have realised he'd have no time. Oh, Merlin."

Was this never going to end?

* * *

Merlin felt exhausted when he left Gwen's chambers, making his way back to Gaius through a now all but deserted castle. The corridors were empty and cold, the shadows dancing on the walls made by the candles in the braziers looked like ghosts taunting him. The wind outside the windows howled at him in despair. Everything felt foreign to him, like he was walking through a place he didn't know. It made him feel terribly cold and alone.

All but running up the stairs to the familiar physician's chambers, a sob almost escaped his lips. There was so much fear clutching at his heart, that he could barely breathe, and opening the door he stormed inside, coming to a halt instantly when he saw Gaius sitting on steps that went up to his bedroom. A look of fear reflected inside those grey old eyes matched his own.

"Gaius."

"Merlin, I thought... Are you all right?"

"Gwaine." It was all Merlin could muster while he sank down at the table near the fireplace. What was the use of even trying to hide his distress. Images of the knight, his friend, were flashing through his head, images of the last time he'd spoken with Gwaine. They had shaken hands. It had almost felt like they would never see each other again. And here he was, where Gwaine was not.

Gaius let out a deep sigh, very slowly, with the solemn air of regret. But also of someone who'd been through all of this before. Losing friends, grieving, accepting. Occurrences that happened in life, whether you wanted to stop them or not. Merlin desperately wanted to escape out of this limbo world of emotions. He would give up everything if he could go back to his past life, but of course he also knew that people had to move on. That he had to move on, somehow.

A hand clasped his shoulder, a gesture of silent support and reassurance, and Merlin looked up into the older man's face. He managed a meagre smile as his shoulders fell.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin."

Merlin grasped that hand and held on, as if their connection would ease his pain. In a way it did, and he felt grateful to feel Gaius' support and love. Not pity, not that, but a bond that would never fade away. Gaius was like a father to him, and right now he couldn't help but soak in every bit of love he could get. "Me too, Gaius, me too."

"Have you eaten?" The hand left his shoulder and he felt strangely bereaved, while Gaius made his way to the cooking pot boiling on a low fire.

"Yes, with the Queen."

"You want some more?" Gaius didn't wait for an answer, filling a wooden bowl with what looked like stew, although Merlin wasn't that interested in what it was, as it smelled good. "And then we must get some sleep, you look like you're about to fall over."

He could only agree when there was a sudden rush of fabric outside the door, and before both of them even started to look up, the door was opened and Sir Leon and Sir Percival were standing there, tall as ever, gazing around the dimly lit chambers before their eyes fell onto Merlin's.

Before Merlin had time to think, Percival walked towards him and fell to his knees, a look of relief and hope on his face, making Merlin instantly uncomfortable. What was going on? He gaped at Gaius, not sure of what he should be doing. Or saying for that matter. Percival, the quiet giant of a man then looked up at him and Merlin saw tears on his cheeks, which made him even more confused.

"Welcome home, Merlin." It was barely a whisper, but it was heartfelt. "We owe you our lives, and my gratitude is indescribable." The knight turned towards Leon, who was still standing in the entrance of the door, looking slightly uncomfortable. Merlin couldn't blame him. Both men had lost friends, they had lost Gwaine and Arthur. He didn't deserve their gratitude, as he didn't save them all. And he should have.

"I'm so sorry," Merlin managed, a painful sob threatening to escape. "Please, get up. I don't deserve this, I should have saved Gwaine, Arthur, everyone. I am so very sorry."

Leon was next to him in a couple of steps, laying his hand on Merlin's shoulder, and albeit still a bit awkward, letting out deep sigh, his voice was clear. " You are home, that is all that matters. When you also didn't return we were very worried. I have to admit, you not trusting us, it hurt. I don't blame you for not returning with our King. I am certain you did what you could. And Percival is right, we owe you our lives." Leon's face was more relaxed now, "and we had enough time to think about what had happened, you having magic, who would have thought."

Merlin couldn't stop his tears from falling, even though he wouldn't have thought there were any left at all. The knights' loyalty and bravery, their friendship and trust. It was what he needed, and Leon's confession meant more to him than they could ever understand. Here they were, even after all the lies, all the hurt. It baffled him, but it felt so genuine, so right.

Percival, standing up, slapped him on the other shoulder. "You are a great man, Merlin. Do not ever forget that. The Queen loves you, and we are grateful for your return, magic and all."

"Thanks, Percival." Merlin felt his face burn up. He'd never been good at taking compliments, and still didn't think he deserved them, but he also knew he needed to tell them that they were all right. That their friendship was still strong, even after what had happened to all of them. He might never be able to forgive himself, but he had their support. "Thank you, Leon."

There was a long moment of silence, when Gaius let out a loud cough."Gentlemen, I think we all need a strong drink."

Percival grinned at that. "I agree."

Slowly a grin spread over Leon's face, while he observed Merlin. "I think Merlin here might need a bed first, he's about to fall over from exhaustion."

"Why, thank you, Leon." Merlin chuckled and knew deep down in his heart that they were indeed going to be all right. That the knights would accept him, magic and all. And what came next was one new adventure to them all.

* * *

Merlin was dreaming, he knew he was. He'd had the same dream, a nightmare really, for many moons on end. The same scenes playing over and over in his tired mind, and every time, no matter what he tried, he failed at saving Arthur. Every time he had to say goodbye but couldn't find the right words. He wasn't even sure if there were words he should have said to Arthur. Maybe everything had been said, after all?

"Merlin?" Arthur's voice was so clear in his dream that it was almost as if the man was standing right next to him. Dreams were funny that way, it always felt so real and if he could just reach out, he would be able to touch his friend, standing there on the shore of the lake.

"Arthur."

The anticipation of wanting to say more was crushed by that wave of failure again, and there was no way he could express it to Arthur, not even in a dream. It was pathetic really, as he always knew what to say, always had had a smart remark when it came to answering Arthur. But now that Arthur knew the truth about him, finding the right words was suddenly a lot harder.

"Are you really here?" It was all that left his dry mouth, all that he could muster, while he finally reached out to touch his friend's arm.

"Of course, Merlin, don't be such an idiot."

"But you're..."

"Dead?"

"Yes."

"Well…" The presence of his friend somehow felt amused, and Merlin could actually feel that in the dream, which made no sense at all. "Seems that way."

"Are you all right?"

"I'm dead, what do you think?" Arthur didn't say it in a sad or angry tone, but instead Merlin felt a bubble of laughter climbing up inside his chest. It was like he felt what Arthur was trying to tell him, and the man didn't actually need the words to say it.

"I'm sorry." Even in his dream, Merlin knew he had a goofy grin on his face. A grin that disappeared instantly when he thought about who he was talking to. Should he tell Arthur that he missed him so much that he couldn't eat, sleep or think clear thoughts? Should he tell him that he'd failed, and that life without his best friend would never be the same again?

"You don't have to apologize, Merlin, and you definitely do not have to feel like you failed me, because you haven't."

Arthur's words made him almost jump out of his skin. Did the man hear his thoughts, did he know how he felt? Was this a two way connection of sorts?

"But, I..."

"We are two sides of the same coin, Merlin."

"How do you..."

"I will always be with you, taking care of you like you took care of me for so long." Arthur sounded serious, not even a slight trace of amusement now. "You shouldn't feel guilty about anything."

"But you, I let you die."

"No, you showed me how to live," Arthur solemnly said, and a brush of air touched Merlin's face, like a door or window had been left open and a summer breeze was blowing in. "One day I will return."

"When?"

There was no answer to that. Instead Arthur's presence slowly seemed to drift away over the water of the lake, like a spirit that was at peace.

"You can't leave, not yet," Merlin called out, desperately wanting to pull back that spirit that was slowly moving away from him.

"Look after Guinevere for me."

"I will, but..."

"Thank you, my friend."

These were not the words that had been repeating in Merlin's head, in his nightmares over and over, the words spoken when Arthur had died. No, these words sounded new, full of hope and love. And all Merlin could feel was all this, and he somehow knew that everything was all right. It felt like a great burden fell off him that instant.

The future was open to them indeed, and he had his duties to the Queen while he would wait for the Once and Future King to return.

"Thank you, Arthur."

For the first time in weeks, Merlin slept soundly and peacefully all through the night, in the knowledge that Arthur would watch over him. Over all of them.

Merlin was finally home.

_The end_


End file.
